You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
