Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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