he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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