I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
