I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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