I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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