I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
