tell your sister to shave her snatch
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
