I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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