I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
