I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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