my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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