I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
