Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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