I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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