Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
