Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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