Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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