I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
