So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
