I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
