the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
