At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
