I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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