You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
