so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
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