Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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