Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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