Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
