i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
