My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think i peed on brittanys purse
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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