Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
