we're chasing vodka with high fives
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm really busy with my period
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