you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
