you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
