I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
