when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
