I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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