Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
