Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
