I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
