bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
