Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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