my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
