As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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