Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
