I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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