Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
