I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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