can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
