He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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