i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i now understand why vodka
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
