I cannot find my penis.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
