I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
