if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
